Where to start.

March 8, 2011. 23:28.
A day to remember.

Today, I'm starting a journey. A journey back to where I belong.
Not physically, of course. It is going to be a strictly mental journey.
But then again, I suppose that would be incorrect to state.
Because depression hurts physically too.

I have been depressed for most of my life.
Although I didn't know it, all those tears I shed through elementary school were the beginning of a long road to the bottom.
The type of bullying I experienced during my time in elementary school was horrendous. At the age of 14, fresh from my escape from the pre-teen girls that cloud my memories of that place, I had to teach myself how to function socially.
I didn't know what a friend was; I struggle with that concept to this day.
Because of my inabilities to be social, I have been hurt several times over in friendships and relationships that weren't healthy during my time in high school. These occurences furthered my spiral downwards.

Academics were always my strongpoint; despite the mental and physical attacks I endured in elementary school, I always achieved 90s in all of my classes. This continued into the first two years of high school. When I hit the bottom of my spiral, my marks plummeted to the mid 60s. I had to motivate myself to get out of bed in the morning, let alone sit down and do homework.

This is when I got help.
And I'm not afraid to say it.
I was doing really well, beginning to make gains mentally and socially, pulling my grades back up.
Until I got sick.

In June of 2010, I began to experience what we know now is somatization. This caused constant pain, dizziness, headaches, and exhaustion. I was unable to write my final exams that month, and two months later, after battling through my summer job for as long as I possibly could, I had to leave. No one knew what was wrong. Cancer? Multiple Sclerosis? Heart Attack? Stroke? It was all a mystery, and left me feeling more hopeless than ever. I sank back into a depressive state, and my symptoms continued to worsen.

My past finally caught up to me. I know now that because I pushed all of those feelings down for so long without obtaining any sort of help for my mental illness, I was now experiencing the manifestation of my sadness in a physical manner. The constant pain, numbness, random spasms throughout my body, all of it was because my depression was untreated for so long.

This past year, I have risen and fallen on an emotional rollercoaster more times than I care to count. The symptoms I experience rise and fall with me. So does my motivation. I had been doing well for so long, so consistently; now, I feel myself falling back to where I was two years ago. I'm heading back to rock bottom, but this time I will not let myself go back.

Today, I start my journey back to where I should be mentally. Depression isn't an easy thing to talk about, but I want to change that. It is as common as a cold, yet a depressive mood is so taboo in today's society that we can't seem to be able to discuss it. I am going to make my journey back to happiness public in order to change that. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of people like me out there, but they aren't receiving any help. If you are reading this right now, and identify with that, please, listen to me. Get the help you deserve. It is a painful process, but a happier you is worth it. From someone who has been there, I promise to you that it is the truth. I want to be back there with you.

So, starting now, the journey begins.