So I have decided that I could honestly care less who, if anyone, ever reads this blog. I want this to be more of a journal about the process of getting me better. If anyone does decide to follow, then I will welcome them along. Otherwise, I will continue in solitude.
Not the best day so far today. Rough morning, not too much fun. I have zero motivation to do anything today, so the plan is to float through the rest of the day until I can go home and go back to sleep. Yep, it's gonna be a sad day.
Dropped a class I didn't need yesterday...I'm gonna miss writer's craft a lot, it's the reason I started blogging...but I think it's for the better. I also received my progress report for the semester so far....not so much progress. I have to get my act together...and I think I've got a good support system to do so now. I can't blame my teachers for writing the things they did; they had no clue as to how I am, and I'm pretty sure they just thought that I was another lazy student. No way. Time for things to change there.
I'm trying to find ways to motivate myself to do homework, but I am having some difficulty finding them. Where do I even start? It's all so confusing. I'm gonna have to figure something out soon though.
xo.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The first day
I'm sitting at school in the library, supposedly working on an essay.
I'm exhausted; my troubles with sleep continue with my 4am wakeup this morning.
I'm frustrated...I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything.
But today, I feel happier. This morning, I made progress on my journey by talking to my guidance counselor to get some accomodation to get me caught up in my courses over spring break. Talk about relief. It feels like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my back, sore from carrying the heavy stress. My counselor is talking to my teachers for me too, but I went to them and discussed my depression with them.
It's a big step for me. Before, I was completely unwilling to talk about my mental health with anyone, even my own parents. To come out and say, I am severely depressed, and I need your help on the path to my recovery...it's a feeling I just can't describe. I feel like I'm being pushed forward on this journey; the pessimist is finally changing towards a more optimistic me.
I finish this post today with a quote from Winston Churchill:
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty"
I'm exhausted; my troubles with sleep continue with my 4am wakeup this morning.
I'm frustrated...I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything.
But today, I feel happier. This morning, I made progress on my journey by talking to my guidance counselor to get some accomodation to get me caught up in my courses over spring break. Talk about relief. It feels like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my back, sore from carrying the heavy stress. My counselor is talking to my teachers for me too, but I went to them and discussed my depression with them.
It's a big step for me. Before, I was completely unwilling to talk about my mental health with anyone, even my own parents. To come out and say, I am severely depressed, and I need your help on the path to my recovery...it's a feeling I just can't describe. I feel like I'm being pushed forward on this journey; the pessimist is finally changing towards a more optimistic me.
I finish this post today with a quote from Winston Churchill:
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty"
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Where to start.
March 8, 2011. 23:28.
A day to remember.
Today, I'm starting a journey. A journey back to where I belong.
Not physically, of course. It is going to be a strictly mental journey.
But then again, I suppose that would be incorrect to state.
Because depression hurts physically too.
I have been depressed for most of my life.
Although I didn't know it, all those tears I shed through elementary school were the beginning of a long road to the bottom.
The type of bullying I experienced during my time in elementary school was horrendous. At the age of 14, fresh from my escape from the pre-teen girls that cloud my memories of that place, I had to teach myself how to function socially.
I didn't know what a friend was; I struggle with that concept to this day.
Because of my inabilities to be social, I have been hurt several times over in friendships and relationships that weren't healthy during my time in high school. These occurences furthered my spiral downwards.
Academics were always my strongpoint; despite the mental and physical attacks I endured in elementary school, I always achieved 90s in all of my classes. This continued into the first two years of high school. When I hit the bottom of my spiral, my marks plummeted to the mid 60s. I had to motivate myself to get out of bed in the morning, let alone sit down and do homework.
This is when I got help.
And I'm not afraid to say it.
I was doing really well, beginning to make gains mentally and socially, pulling my grades back up.
Until I got sick.
In June of 2010, I began to experience what we know now is somatization. This caused constant pain, dizziness, headaches, and exhaustion. I was unable to write my final exams that month, and two months later, after battling through my summer job for as long as I possibly could, I had to leave. No one knew what was wrong. Cancer? Multiple Sclerosis? Heart Attack? Stroke? It was all a mystery, and left me feeling more hopeless than ever. I sank back into a depressive state, and my symptoms continued to worsen.
My past finally caught up to me. I know now that because I pushed all of those feelings down for so long without obtaining any sort of help for my mental illness, I was now experiencing the manifestation of my sadness in a physical manner. The constant pain, numbness, random spasms throughout my body, all of it was because my depression was untreated for so long.
This past year, I have risen and fallen on an emotional rollercoaster more times than I care to count. The symptoms I experience rise and fall with me. So does my motivation. I had been doing well for so long, so consistently; now, I feel myself falling back to where I was two years ago. I'm heading back to rock bottom, but this time I will not let myself go back.
Today, I start my journey back to where I should be mentally. Depression isn't an easy thing to talk about, but I want to change that. It is as common as a cold, yet a depressive mood is so taboo in today's society that we can't seem to be able to discuss it. I am going to make my journey back to happiness public in order to change that. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of people like me out there, but they aren't receiving any help. If you are reading this right now, and identify with that, please, listen to me. Get the help you deserve. It is a painful process, but a happier you is worth it. From someone who has been there, I promise to you that it is the truth. I want to be back there with you.
So, starting now, the journey begins.
A day to remember.
Today, I'm starting a journey. A journey back to where I belong.
Not physically, of course. It is going to be a strictly mental journey.
But then again, I suppose that would be incorrect to state.
Because depression hurts physically too.
I have been depressed for most of my life.
Although I didn't know it, all those tears I shed through elementary school were the beginning of a long road to the bottom.
The type of bullying I experienced during my time in elementary school was horrendous. At the age of 14, fresh from my escape from the pre-teen girls that cloud my memories of that place, I had to teach myself how to function socially.
I didn't know what a friend was; I struggle with that concept to this day.
Because of my inabilities to be social, I have been hurt several times over in friendships and relationships that weren't healthy during my time in high school. These occurences furthered my spiral downwards.
Academics were always my strongpoint; despite the mental and physical attacks I endured in elementary school, I always achieved 90s in all of my classes. This continued into the first two years of high school. When I hit the bottom of my spiral, my marks plummeted to the mid 60s. I had to motivate myself to get out of bed in the morning, let alone sit down and do homework.
This is when I got help.
And I'm not afraid to say it.
I was doing really well, beginning to make gains mentally and socially, pulling my grades back up.
Until I got sick.
In June of 2010, I began to experience what we know now is somatization. This caused constant pain, dizziness, headaches, and exhaustion. I was unable to write my final exams that month, and two months later, after battling through my summer job for as long as I possibly could, I had to leave. No one knew what was wrong. Cancer? Multiple Sclerosis? Heart Attack? Stroke? It was all a mystery, and left me feeling more hopeless than ever. I sank back into a depressive state, and my symptoms continued to worsen.
My past finally caught up to me. I know now that because I pushed all of those feelings down for so long without obtaining any sort of help for my mental illness, I was now experiencing the manifestation of my sadness in a physical manner. The constant pain, numbness, random spasms throughout my body, all of it was because my depression was untreated for so long.
This past year, I have risen and fallen on an emotional rollercoaster more times than I care to count. The symptoms I experience rise and fall with me. So does my motivation. I had been doing well for so long, so consistently; now, I feel myself falling back to where I was two years ago. I'm heading back to rock bottom, but this time I will not let myself go back.
Today, I start my journey back to where I should be mentally. Depression isn't an easy thing to talk about, but I want to change that. It is as common as a cold, yet a depressive mood is so taboo in today's society that we can't seem to be able to discuss it. I am going to make my journey back to happiness public in order to change that. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of people like me out there, but they aren't receiving any help. If you are reading this right now, and identify with that, please, listen to me. Get the help you deserve. It is a painful process, but a happier you is worth it. From someone who has been there, I promise to you that it is the truth. I want to be back there with you.
So, starting now, the journey begins.
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